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Fantasy Eurovision

They played 99 Red Balloons on the radio this morning, which is a song which is great and ridiculous at the same time, not least because it's translated from German, and it got me thinking, Eurovision does the European pop scene no favours. There have been some great songs in our charts from the continent over the years, what if they were all brought together for, say 'Eurovision - The Professionals'. So here are my choices. Fantasy Eurovision Playlist


99 RED BALLOONS - Nena (Germany)
To me the ultimate Euro hit. A story of buying 99 balloon in a toy shop with the money they'd got, blowing them up (where did they get the helium?) and trigger a nuclear war alert. The translation the lyrics has led to some laughable moments (worry, worry super scurry; everyone's a Captain Kirk), but that's part of it's charm. She gets all wistful at the end, when everything's been destroyed (well you would wouldn't you). "It's all over and I'm stannin' priddy". Cold War angst at it's best.

JOE LE TAXI - Vanessa Paradis (France)
A bit of mumbled French at the start and  then the parping sax followed by Vanessa's delicate vocal. At the time I think she was denigrated a bit for just being a model trying her hand at singing, but she's actually brilliant. There's a little bit of a Twist and Shout style wind up (Joe, Joe, JOE!) incorporated in the arrangement and a lovely whispered Cha-Cha-Cha. Nice little sax break in the middle eight. Very French, slightly worrying and altogether brilliant.

CA PLANE POUR MOI - Plastic Bertrand (Belgium)
Brussels answer to Johnny Rotten. Its fast and punky, strays from French to English and back again. 'I am the King of the Divan' - not much room for ambiguity there, Bertrand certainly rates himself. Like all good punk it's just essentially Rock and Roll speeded up a bit. We laughed at him at the time but I believe he has endured.

BOYS  - Sabrina (Italy)
OK. Maybe she traded on her assets a little, but you can't fault the catchiness of this. I think Stock Aitken and Waterman had got hold of her by the time this came out but I could be wrong. All European male readers of a certain age will remember the video as she had fun in the pool. There's a rap bit in the middle, so possibly a little before it's time.

ALL THAT SHE WANTS - Ace of Base (Sweden)
There was an obvious choice to go for for Sweden, but they were actually on Eurovision weren't they, so are disqualified by my completely arbitrary rules. This incorporates Paradis style sax with a great hook. The lyrics suggest there's something a bit dark going on. 'She's the hunter you're the fox' suggests that the protagonist is some kind of amazonion man-hunter who is only interested in breeding.

TAKE ON ME - A-Ha (Norway)
Ah, dear old Albion Market and the boys. A great song but probably more famous for the comic-book/live action straddling video. No-one, but no-one, can hit that high note at the end of the chorus, not unless you start down in the basement, then you might stand a chance of making the progression without ripping your vocal cords out. When you listen to it it's got an incredibly complex melody - there's loads going on. Morten beats himself up in the end trying to get back to reality.

HERO - Enrique Iglesias (Spain)
Spanish artists haven't troubled the UK charts much. Enrique and his dad were pretty much all I could think of outside of the kind of DJs who lig around the med all year round. Every Eurovision needs a heartfelt ballad or two. I like this one, despite the mannered sob in his voice. Lovely bit of Spanish guitar in the middle eight. He gets very passionate at the end ("I just wanna hold you"), before the key change and grandstand finish in the final chorus.

WANNABE - Spice Girls (United Kingdom)
Forget Britpop. The mid nineties were about girl power. The Spice Girls were a bona fide phenomenon and you have to credit all of them with carving careers afterward. Mel C is fast becoming a national treasure and Posh bestrides the world, whether you like it or not. They arrived with a bang with this. Who cares that the musical flopped? They deserve to represent the UK for no other reason than Geri's dress.

ZOMBIE - The Cranberries (Ireland)
Spoilt for choice for Ireland, but couldn't bring myself to go for something really obvious like the Westies or Boyzone. Q magazine described this as 'playful grunge' when it came out and it's spot on. All Eurovisions have a serious, experimental song or two, so I feel justified in including this. Dolores O'Riordan sounds properly scary throughout. Must be about the 1916 Easter uprising so its topical for the time of year too.

DRAGOSTEA DIN TEI - O-Zone (Romania)
Recently resurrected for a cinema ad - can't remember what it's for so a bit of a shot in the foot there Mr Ad-man. We got our first taste of multi-channel TV when this was out, so the music video channels were still novel then and it was on heavy rotation. The band - 3 boys - transitioned from cartoons to various situations such as dancing on the wings of the plane. They clearly  thought they were God's gift. The only other option for Romania was the Cheeky Girls, so no contest. Subsequent research reveals them to be Moldovan, but I can't be bothered to change it now. This is an incredibly catchy piece of trashy pop and therefore perfect for Eurovision. Of the songs I've selected this would walk it.

ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID - Tatu (Russia)
Not available on Spotify so not on the accompanying playlist, but I had to include it. Check out the video here. Naturally the British press focused on the schoolgirl outfits and lesbianism. Russian women are clearly more courageous in the pop world than their men (cf Pussy Riot). It's a driving song, a bit thrashy with quiet interludes.


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